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Monday, December 22, 2008

I'm now 21. Normally everyone would think that: wow! You are adult now but still young. Well to me, it is nothing big deal. I dun like the feeling everyone look at me. Just like today and Saturday, when everyone look at me and sing happy birthday song. I feel very awkward. Anyway, thanks everyone for helping me to celebrate my birthday and thanks for the presents. Love you all family cousins and friends.

Today I got say again drawing not good. I don't know what's up with my Project Manager. I gave him on Saturday and he has ample time to check what he wants. Yet he now then tell me drawings still cannot be submitted and then give me an idiot face and walk off. I was like stunned. I feel like scolding vulgarities. What kind of attitude is that? Happy then smile at you. Not happy treat you like rubbish. Kinda felt inferior by his action. I know I'm not up to it. I think I rather find a stable job like gov stuff. I think I step - in on the wrong path. I felt I don't seem to enjoy the process at all, rather I feel I am dragging myself to work. By the time, it is almost knock off time. I don't care, I walk out the office.

Well, it's ok. I learnt my lesson. I shall never work with small private company anymore.

11:03 PM Deadgalzz Y

Monday, December 15, 2008

Today I cried. I got told off by my Project Director because I cant give the standard drawing to Main Contractor. I holding my tears before I went into his room. Eventually, I can't hold it anymore that my tears roll off my cheek.

I cried not because his words but because I am too stress up and too tired. I've been drawing the same things and none is up to standard. I give what I told, and still, not enough. This give me a second thought: Am I suitable for this job? or should I work as government sector? Can someone gives me an advice?

None have given me, neither JW. I feel very pessimistic. Makes me not good enough for him too. Not good for anything! Well, I wonder if I end my life like this?

One thought: further my studies as private student in property management and work in gov sector, another thought: work at current company for time being and then see how. Can somebody gives me an advice but not just listening or reading it?Seriously I hate people who only want to listen for the sake of listening yet not sure they understand or not. I need somebody's suggestion but not quietly listening.

I've been losing my temper and patience lately. Everytime I go work, I always give this face :( But I never tell JW about it cos he may not understand. Well, venting all my anger into the blog makes me feel better, at least maybe somebody read it able to ans.

8:36 PM Deadgalzz Y

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Times flies. I am turning 21 in 2 weeks time and I do not feel that "wow" or even excited about it. Although Aunty Katherine organise BBQ at her house to celebrate my big day and allowed me to bring friends, I am still not very anxious about it. Worse, I feel paiseh to use other's place to celebrate. Not like as if we are close, but anyway thank her for making that effort. Well, I do appreciate it but I guess that is what I can get for the least, better than none.

Right now, I feel abit emptiness. I find myself no-good in anything. Quite depressing at the moment as I do not know what I want. Not what I want but what can I do. Simply, everything is not going to be that easy to achieve. I'm not talented, not genius, not smart, lack of confidence now.When I look around at the others, I envy them. When I look at myself, actually I have not achieve a thing that I want. I know I am pessimistic.

Yesterday I watch the anime: Shugo Chara doki. It is about a guardian angel that is would-be-self character. I wish I have one:a sparkling character, confident and have courage. Haha.. I sound so childish. Yes I am. I still keep my inner child.

8:14 PM Deadgalzz Y